Twelve
by Kiba Sniper
Summary: Vanilla discovers how much Amy's fanbase really loves her. Rated for cussing, illogical pairings, stupid humor, and a fantard.


Characters © Respective Owners

Twelve

Everybody knew that Amy Rose the Hedgehog was in love with Sonic the Hedgehog. Simple equation of sweet, yet short-tempered girl in a red dress plus Cupid's arrow equals pining for Sonic. Tabloids sometimes personified her affections as "angelic" or "warm" which she loved to read about, especially if there were any interviews with her soon-to-be husband. She loved Sonic dearly, even if just acted as if she were a mere friend that just wanted to smother him with affection.

Unfortunately, this wasn't always the case.

Vanilla the Rabbit sat at home, knitting together her daughter's dress that ripped on a mission. Her television was on, exposing the news even though she rarely listened unless it was about sometime she knew or the weather or if there were specials in the food market where she would violently punt people out of the way to shop. Her ears perked up at the mention of a familiar bubblegum hedgehog.

"Amy Rose, innocent, slightly crazy Sonic fan girl or not?" the newscaster questioned, quizzically pulling at his moustache like he was Jesus Christ Superstar. "If you look at these…bizarre photographs…" He inspected himself with a hand mirror and slathered more gel onto his greasy auburn hair. "…you may reconsider."

Vanilla blinked, placing her thread and needle onto the coffee table. What she witnessed was enough to nearly make her head spontaneously combust if she didn't have legal custody over Cream. Her left eye twitched violently at the slew of pictures that surged across the screen. Vanilla promptly stood, rushing over to the bathroom to vomit. Once finishing with her expletives and brushing her teeth to get the foul stench of last night's pasta out of her mouth, she quickly went online where the images were found.

The "images" would forever burn themselves into her memory, just like Bella Swan's illogical birth of the Loch Ness Monster- I mean, "Nessie" Dear Lord, can't piss off the Twilight fans. They'll beat me with their sparkly hardcovers!

Vanilla proceeded to unplug her computer, sitting in the wooden rocking chair like an old grandma because her new voice made her sound like one. She sucked down several gasps, attempting to regain her motherly composure. Wiping her eyes in vain to brush the horrific "art" and "stories" she was unfortunate to witness, Vanilla decided that Amy needed to be brought to justice.

Meanwhile, the said rosy rascal was humming to herself as she did laundry in her cottage. Ironically, she and Vanilla lived only a few feet away because Vanilla had no where else to drop Cream off when she wanted to try and find a man, and she definitely wasn't going to leave her with the Chaotix. Last time she did, an event followed that involved seven police cruisers, eleven fire trucks, live media coverage, and a call from the Vatican. Vanilla soon after signed a restraining order against the Pope who persistently called to ask if Cream was baptized yet.

Amy was daydreaming about Sonic because she really had nothing else to do. Besides, she had no parents or siblings because if she did, they would just be complete Mary Sues, and I'd rather not get flamed today. Even though I probably will. Amy sighed, wondering exactly what Sonic was doing right at this very moment.

At this very moment, Sonic was pissing off Knuckles by repeatedly poking the Master Emerald, saying, "I'm not touching it!" before getting punched off Angel Island to the moon. Half-moon, that is, Eggman made it go "SPLODEY!" in SA2 with robotic parts.

Suddenly, her eyes jolted open like she was struck with lightning at a rapid knocking on her door. Thinking that it was probably that old scrapped character Mightywhatshisface wanting to get on a date with her again, Amy quickly summoned her Piko Piko Hammer where she gets out of freaking no where and slowly advanced to the door.

"Amy! Amy!" Vanilla snapped, sounding rather irritably in her old biddy voice.

"Oh, Vanilla!" Amy cried, quickly hiding her hammer behind the sofa so she could convince to Vanilla that she wasn't misguiding Cream. Answering the door, she blinked as Vanilla suddenly glowered down at her. "I-is something wrong?"

"Yes, there is something very wrong, _Amelia,_" Vanilla seethed.

"What? But my name's Amy," the hedgehog insisted, eyes widening as Vanilla stormed past her. "What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?"

"I am glad you said that. We have a serious matter to discuss." From her purse, Vanilla revealed a laptop that Tails built for her, plugging it into an outlet. Gesturing for Amy to sit with her, she felt complied to explain herself for just rudely barging in. "I'm sorry for acting like this, Amelia, but there are some things you may wish to inquire at."

"Hold on, my name is Amy Rose! Not 'Amelia'! Where the heck did you get that from?" Amy questioned, crossing her arms.

It wasn't the first time someone mistook her name. In fact, besides the name Vanilla called, the list ranged from Amika, Ami, Amybeth, Amychu, and one time, someone called her Maria which sent Angst- I mean, Shadow, to chase her down for a week straight to end with her smacking him into the pavement with her monstrous hammer.

"At least we settled that issue." Vanilla sighed reliefully, waiting as the dial-up activated for internet service.

After waiting approximately twenty minutes for the internet to load and snacking on delicious crumpets, the internet finally loaded. Vanilla quickly went to work, typing in Am Rose.

"Did you mean _Amy_ Rose?" Google asked.

Vanilla snarled, adding in the extra 'y' to her friend's name.

Amy leaned in, watching as pictures flooded the screen. Most were simple pictures of her, kidnapping Sonic in a net, pushing Sonic into a hole and glomming him, latching to Sonic's back with the caption UR DOIN IT WRONG underneath in bold letters, and several others that Amy found quite content to her. Vanilla stared at her, looking over slowly as Amy shrugged.

"It's how I get Sonic to pay attention to me," she replied innocently.

"Well, those are just the beginning," Vanilla murmured, shaking her head at the girl's bizarre, stalker-like behavior and pressed the next page.

"…What is this?!" Amy screamed, covering her mouth in shock.

Pictures and stories of Shadow/Amy, Tails/Amy, Knuckles/Amy, Cream/Amy, Jet/Amy, Storm/Amy, Bean/Amy, Mighty/Amy, Cosmo/Amy, Scourge/Amy, insert-OC-here/Amy, Wave/Amy, Rouge/Amy, insert-crossover-character-here/Amy, Eggman/Amy, Sonic the Werehog/Amy (which she rather found amusing), Chip/Amy, Espio/Amy, Charmy/Amy, Vector/Amy, and that was only the beginning.

"Amy, I believe you are a…hooker, yes?" Vanilla asked, narrowing her eyes.

"…Oh…there…there can't be these! I mean half of these…This is sick! I-I-I-!" Amy string of stammers was promptly ended as the pictures of the HENTAI came on. Amy's scream crossed the entire world.

Giggity.

---

"Hey, Boss! You hear that?" Storm the Albatross asked his leader who sounded like he snorted too much crack. In his mind, he was contemplating how many ways he could knock him out and kidnap him for himself. You know, because of that one scene in SR: ZG where Jet gave him one compliment, and little hearts danced in Storm's eyes as he danced around in praise.

"Yeah," Jet the Hawk rasped back. "Must've been Amy finding all of that porn of herself on the internet. Crazy fans."

---

Vanilla quickly shut the laptop, sighing to herself as Amy appeared ready to hyperventilate. Soothing to young hedgehog proved harder than it was as Amy openly sobbed. First off all, she was twelve, still a child. Not some high school slut that openly exposed her goodies to all the perverts in the world. Vanilla sighed, bringing the girl to her chest, gently trying to wipe her tears like a mother.

Then a camera went off outside, and a voice screamed, "OH-EHM-GEE! I gots sum HAWT Amy and Vanilla pronz! Check dis out GAIZ!!!!ONE11ONE!"

"That's…fucking…it!" Amy roared, cussing for the first time in her life. She withdrew her hammer from behind the couch, bolting out to murder the nasally-voiced fanboy.

Vanilla blinked, slowly withdrawing herself to stand to find Amy hovering over the mauled and bloody fanboy. Several people had arrived, police too to ensure Amy was brought to justice for beating an innocent. Amy spotted the heinous camera and stomped on it to smithereens.

"Let's get one thing straight!" Amy shouted, making the people cringe. "I am NOT some trashy girl you can use in your stupid little fanfics and so-called art! I have seen some really great pictures of me, and I thank you for them, but really! I am not Sonic or Shadow or Knuckles or-ugh! Eggman's little playgirl! I am an independent girl, sure, I do get captured, but I can handle myself. The way people treat me as some…some sex toy just isn't right!"

Amy stormed back into her home, brushing past Vanilla with hot tears streaming down her face. Her statement lingered in the air, touching the hearts of everyone present. The fanboy, bloodied and near-death, looked over to his camera in shock.

"NOOOOEEEES!1111ELEVENTYTHOUSAND!11 I lost mah pronz!" he screamed.

Vanilla bitch-slapped him. The fanboy died. You know, because Vanilla's that freaking strong. The crowd of citizens decided to copy her, inciting a fire around the fanboy's body. Vanilla calmly went back to her home, deciding that society had enough of her for today where she greeted her daughter who was staring at their television in shock. Vanilla apparently left the magical wonder-box on, adding onto their electric bill.

"Mama? Why are there pictures of you and Vector…?" Cream couldn't finish, staring at the television with horror. "A-and Mister Eggman, too? Wh-what do you _do_ when I'm gone? Who's my real dad?"

Vanilla blinked, looking at the television and proceeded to scream. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THOSE FANTARDS! I AM NOT A WHORE!"

"Mama? Mama! You're scaring me and Cheese again!" the little rabbit girl cried as she held onto her blue, crying pet.

And the moral of this story, hentai is not good. Porn is not good. Amy is not a slut, and the same goes for Vanilla, Cream, Rouge, Wave, Tikal, and every other female character in the series. They are not made for you to jack off.


End file.
